


Smut, or, What's A Horny Human To Do?

by Lanna Michaels (lannamichaels)



Category: Lord of the Rings (2001 2002 2003), Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-01-06
Updated: 2003-01-06
Packaged: 2017-10-17 06:20:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/173837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lannamichaels/pseuds/Lanna%20Michaels
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Original summary: Because Aragorn is probably the easiest character to slash in all of Middle-Earth.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter One: Tall White Isildurian. Non-Smoking.  (Aragorn/Twins)

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted to Deadjournal. I am unsure if I ever posted it anywhere else.

_Chapter One: Tall White Isildurian. Non-Smoking._ (Aragorn/Twins)

Estel was eighteen and a virgin. He considered this to be a rather unsatisfactory state of affairs. Oh, he knew the age problem would fix itself in time, but he was beginning to despair of the other problem ever being remedied. He had thrown out hints, he had thrown out clues, he had almost fallen on his knees in front of random elves and begged them to take his virginity, please! And it didn't seem like anyone noticed. Estel had even gone through Lord Elrond's private library, trying to find ways to get those bloody serene elves interested in him. Dammit, he wanted to get laid!

"What troubles you, little brother?"

Estel almost groaned. Just the interruption he needed: his two older brothers. His two *protective* older brothers. No chance they'd fuck him. "Nothing."

Elrohir crouched down to be on eye-level with his human brother. "'Nothing' as in nothing, or 'nothing' as in nothing we can help you with?"

"Nothing you can help me with." Unless they knew of some nice willing elves...

Elladan joined his brothers on the floor, a ghost of a smile on his lips. If he and his brother hadn't seen it, they'd *done* it. Sometimes both. "Estel, you've known us for sixteen years. While that is naught but a blink of an eye for an elf, it is a long time for a human. I think you can trust us."

"Stop mocking me, Elladan. Unless you want to fuck me." Oops. He hadn't meant for that to come out. Judging from his brothers' expressions, they hadn't expected to hear that, either.

It takes a lot to stun an elf. Wars, rabid raccoons, and Legolas Greenleaf didn't phase them. They just flick their hair out of their eyes, and ponce on. But horny, teenage human brothers offering sex...yep, that would do it every time.

"Estel wants sex," Elladan commented to his twin.

"So I noticed."

"Think we should oblige?" They both pointedly ignored Estel's sputtering and mutterings.

"But of course. He is, after all, our beloved younger brother. We can't refuse him anything."

Estel paused in his protestations and looked from one to the other in askance. "You're serious?"

"Estel wants to know if we're serious."

"So I noticed."

"Think we should answer him? Or just jump him?"

"Oh, jump him, definitely. Then maybe he'll stop talking."

"Elrohir!"

"Hush, little one. We're deciding if we're going to jump you."

"But..."

"Back on subject. I feel the one-two approach would go well."

"Though it might be a strange way to begin, if he's still a virgin."

"I am!"

The twins looked sideways at him and Estel squirmed under their combined scrutiny. "Didn't we tell him to be silent?"

"Yep."

"Think we should shut his mouth?" Elladan asked.

"If we don't, he may talk himself out of this situation he's gotten himself into."

"And that wouldn't do."

"Not at all," Elrohir said.

Estel pouted. "Stop doing that. Stop playing with me."

"You still want us to fuck you?"

Well, if they put it that way... "Yes!" Not that they were going to, Estel thought. When the twins started finishing each other's sentences, it was a sure sign that they didn't mean what they said.

"Then you're going to *have* to let us play with you-"

"Else none of us will ever get hard-"

("Except maybe for you-"

"Because you're still young-")

"And that would never do-"

"Because we're going to have to be hard if you want us to fuck you-"

"Which you say you do-"

"Unless you're the one playing around-"

"Which would be very rude, to taunt your old-"

"Weary-"

"Worn-out-"

"Speak for yourself. Tired-"

"Foster-brothers-"

"Who want nothing more-"

"Than to jump your mortal bones-"

"Though we had to wait for you to ask-"

"Else Ada would have our hides-"

"And that wouldn't do-"

"Because our hides aren't really that pretty-"

("Nothing like Legolas Greenleaf's-")

"And would make a *terrible* wall-hanging-"

"Or a rug-"

"Though no one looks at rugs-"

"Except in Ada's office-"

"Because no one ever looks at his face in there-"

"But he already a rug for his office-"

"So our hides can't be so honored-"

"Though we're sure he can think up some other suitable punishment for molesting our young impressionable brother-"

"And so we had to wait for you to ask."

Estel barely a time to catch his breath before they pounced.


	2. Chapter Two: Esoteric, Lusty, Registered Orator. Non-Drinker. (Aragorn/Elrond)

_Chapter Two: Esoteric, Lusty, Registered Orator. Non-Drinker._ (Aragorn/Elrond)

Lord Elrond had heard all about Estel from his sons. And while he was used to hearing complaints about the human, nothing like this had ever reached his ears. The twins had wanted to know why, exactly, *their* human heritage hadn't allowed them one ounce the amount of stamina Estel had (not that there were any ounces in Middle-Earth). After hearing the entire story, and assuring his sons that this was only because Estel was centuries younger than they were, Elrond had decided that he had to see this phenomenon for himself. And, so, he had called Estel to his private office. His very private office (him being the lord of Rivendell, he had a lot of offices, and such).

Elladan and Elrohir had spoken of Estel as being bursting at the seams, jumping out of his skin, and other interesting clichés that Elrond would have to ponder the next time he had a chance. But, for now, the one thing that occupied most of his attention was the fact that Arwen was the only one in his family who's name didn't begin with an "E". Was Celebrian trying to tell him something?

Elrond sat back to wait for Estel. He conveniently had forgotten how comfortable his chairs were, and how vexing elven names were (along with parenthetical comments), and didn't even notice Estel's approach. Damn, but he had wanted to hear him come.

"Ada?" And just why was the boy so hesitant? Did it have to do something with the fact that his real name began with a vowel other than "E"? Something else to ponder. "If this is about your library, I can explain..."

"Huh? No, nothing like that." Estel had gone through his library? He was really going to have to start paying more attention. Though that might explain the bubble-gum he had found under one of the chairs. "I've been speaking with Elladan and Elrohir. They've been telling me strange things about you, stranger than even that Legolas Greenleaf child."

"Ada, I..."

"Oh, stop looking like you're trying to spot an escape route. You're not in trouble."

"I'm not?" Estel looked decidedly perky about that. Then his face fell. "I'm not going to get the sex lecture, am I?"

Well, that was an idea. Elrond hadn't even thought of that. Slipping. In old age, and in the rain that was going to fall one of these days. "It's a rite of passage. Have you gotten it yet?"

"Um...well...do I really need to hear it?"

Elrond almost grinned, but realized that it would be a decidedly unlordlike (not to mention childish) thing to do. "Do you know how to practice safe sex?"

"Yes."

"Use lubrication?"

"Yes."

"Ask permission before you do anything?"

"Yes."

"Be careful not to rip clothes?"

Well, the twins hadn't. "Yes."

"Still respect yourself and them in the morning?"

"Yes."

"You know where the special detergent is?"

"Yes, and how to use it."

"Good. Make them coffee if you stay overnight?"

"Yes."

"How not to scream or bite, or otherwise act like a wild Orc?" Not that there were Orcs of any other kind.

"Yes."

"How to inspect yourself afterwards?"

"Yes."

"Be discreet?"

"Yes."

"Don't gossip about it?"

"Yes."

"Learn a lot from the twins?"

"Yes-" Estel paused. "Wait, that wasn't fair."

"Interrogator's privilege. You've been doing your exercises?"

"Yes."

"Eating your vegetables?"

"Ada, I'm eighteen!"

Elrond raised one carefully plucked eyebrow. "Have you been?"

Estel flushed. "No."

"Well, then. Been keeping your sword clean?"

Wasn't this supposed to be a sex discussion, Estel wondered. "Yes."

"Your arrows sharp?"

OK, this was starting to sound like innuendo. "Yes."

"Your breath fresh?"

"Yes."

"Mind if I kiss you?"

"Yes." Wait! "No."

"Which one?"

"I don't mind."

"Good."

Several minutes later, Elrond had discerned two things. One, that his twins had indeed taught their foster-brother a lot, and very well. Two, that elves needed to breathe, even if they wished they didn't have to.

"Ada, I-"

"Do *not* call me that right now." Great, now he had an obscene version of 'Hop On Pop'1 going through his head. Elrond had a feeling that the mangled child's story would be haunting his dreams for some time, and resolved not to sleep. Well, as long as possible. For an elf. Which could be years. Or an era (however long that was).

"A- can we do that again?"

Dr. Suess be damned. "Certainly."

And they did.

 

1 _The plot bunnies made me do it! They tied me up and wouldn't let me fantasize until I put in an obscene reference to "Hop On Pop". I don't think I'm ever going to be able to read that book in the same way..._


End file.
